Distributed Relationships
At some point in my life, I had a best friend. My best friend would be the one I would call for fun, to vent, to borrow clothes, to comfort, to get information. The more I become entrenched in online communities, the more I realize that the best friend is a thing of my past. I am now quite comfortable with distributed relationships. I still have someone to go to for all of those things, and more, but it may be a different person for each need. If I need information on a particular subject, I know who to contact. When I need a good laugh, there’s someone for that. If I’m just feeling lonely, I can scrounge someone up to fill that void. When I feel nurturing, there’s usually someone around to comfort.
This applies to personal and professional relationships. When someone used to ask me for a professional reference, I could think of a reference who would know everything about my professional experience and abilities. Now, there are individuals who know distributed pieces of my skills and talents. If I were asked for a reference today, I would be more comfortable providing multiple.
The flip side of this concept is that we are each growing more specialized. I think anyone who knows me in an online community, quickly learns exactly my role in the community and what I am good for. I am around for a laugh, or to play devil’s advocate. I can find answers to just about anything and point people to the right “other” people. No one comes to me for formal research assistance, to borrow money or to help them move. I can be myself and focus on the pieces of me that I find most interesting, without having to spread myself thin trying to be the best at everything.
It may be a bit uncomfortable to think in these terms, and I expect to get some argument. I’m speaking of my personal experience, though, and can’t really say how others are experiencing changes in their relationships. I think some of it has to do with the balance between online and in-person friendships. I’ve had the balance tipped to the virtual side for more than a decade, so my findings may not mirror those of someone who still spends more time with real life friends. I would be curious to see if those real life relationships are as satisfying as the online ones, or if they become a burden at some point.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
I’m not sure I make a virtual/realworld distinction. In my mind, a friend is a friend, no matter if they’re physically beside me, or inside my computer.
I do agree about the faceted nature of the personnas that make up an online presence - it’s impossible to be fully represented in text or other media - but I think true friends transcend that. I have maybe half a dozen people that I consider true friends (friends that really know me, whom I think I know as well, and for whom I’d drop everything and hop on a plane at a moment’s notice) - all but 2 have been met initially online.
All of them, including the 2 “real world first” friends have only been shown subsets of me - a personna - at any given time. But all of them have seen (and know) me because they see different facets in different contexts.
The online context does make friendship a bit schizophrenic at times - it’s hard to get a proper feel for subtleties and nuances through smileys and text - but I think a real friendship is what happens when people look past/through that.
I’m not sure that a friendship, or even a more generic connection or association, exists solely in the context of the medium of communication. If the Network is people, the connections between people have to be above the technology (or technologies, or the absence of technology) used to communicate.
April 1st, 2008 at 2:40 pm
I guess I am all to new to the world of technology to share your viewpoint entirely, but I do understand it. Being online enables you to create a world that you can control to a high degree.
I suppose many of my friends/contacts have been done the traditional way. Now that I am engaged in the online world, I will form new relationships in a very unique way.
I sometimes wonder how my online persona differes from the “real world” one, or if it does at all? I suppose this could be answered as time passes.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
I really related to this post, as over the last few months I have become more and more immersed in my online network and found a variety of different personalities, professionals and interests. I do find myself connecting on different levels and after being on maternity leave for many months, being intellectually challenged, which I really love, but realize I don’t really get from most of my offline relationships. I think I turn to my network for a variety of reasons, however, I have also made the decision within the last year or two to really pour energy into the relationships that matter and let others that have just become tedious chores to fizzle and it has really done wonders for myself and those that matter to me.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:27 am
I know that I would reccommend others to attend professional development that you have done. Even though we have never met face to face, I have seen what you have done (thanks to technology) and really think you have great information to share and share it in an impressive way. Since I am a member of an international organization and meet people from all over the world and the US, I feel comfortable telling people who live in your area that they need to attend events if they see you are presenting. I also feel this way about others that I have been lucky enough to “meet” on twitter and develop a professional relationship with. I was lucky enough to meet some Twitter friends for the first time face to face this week and feel as if I had known them forever!